I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
