they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
