Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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