i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my shit smells like andre
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
