We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
