I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We are all done wearing pants today
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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