Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
