I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
