you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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