According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
