Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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