mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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