I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
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