how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
