Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize