I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
