if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
