I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
