the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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