tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
