I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
