I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
