I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
