You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
