So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
two words: eviction party
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
