i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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