listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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