Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
