i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
