accomplished twins. life is a go
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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