do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
