Your dad touched me again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
