That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
