drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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