my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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