I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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