happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
