He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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