cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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