i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
