I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
