So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize