You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize