Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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