did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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