i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
sarcasm needs its own font
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
