My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
