Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
