You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
