What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
