she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need a beard to bite.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
