Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He has the fingertips of a God
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