i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You dont lie about slip and slides
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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