A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
