Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
