Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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