I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
