I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
