My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
